BOOBIES!: The Dante's Inferno Demo

 

Here, in the land of collared shirts and seersucker pants there’s not a whole lot of room for books, so I’m going to judge this game as a game and not a true-to-life adaptation of Dante’s Divine Comedy.  The demo is the supposed first level of Dante’s Inferno, which leads the player from, what I suppose, is a crusade to the gates of Hell.  The story goes that your wife was killed and taken into Hell.  You’re not happy with that.  Time to get a skank back, know what I’m saying?  (I only called her a skank, beautiful women of the world, because she’s bare ass naked the whole demo.  I would never call a pretty lady like you (Oh, who am I kidding, only guys are reading this.)).   ← Heh, that looks like boobies.

Combat:

While the combat is ridiculously satisfying, it’s such a button masher that it makes me want to throw in my frat hat.  That’s a bad thing.  I do everything with this hat: shower, sleep, and your mom (at the same time).  Anyway, to make this more interesting, they offer a skill tree that unlocks more “combos” as you level up.  The only combos I got to level over the course of the demo was something that made me press triangle more and more as I leveled up.  Button mashed potatoes.  However, like I said, the combat is ridiculously satisfying.  I can pick enemies up with my bone scythe and then choose to absolve or absofuckinglutely tear a bitch apart.  You’ll probably choose the latter.  In addition to that, you get magic spells and you force-push bitches with the crucifix your wife leaves behind.  However #2, I said the combat is satisfying, not original by any stretch of your feeble, Tool Academy imagination.  This is the combat of God of War from the ridiculous weapon to the real-time button-push cinematic kill sequences.  But, this doesn’t change the fact that it’s still awesome.

Camera:

Yes, the camera gets its own section.  Why? You may ask.  Because it’s the dumbest fucking thing I’ve ever dealt with in my life.  Worse than pledges and GDIs combined.  I know.  Here’s your problem, EA:  NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER make my right analog stick the “evade” button.  EVER.  Why? Because that’s the goddamn camera stick.  Seriously, you can just be chilling in what you think is an empty room; and you’re like, “Where do I go from here?”  And then you see a bunch of random demons and you’re like, “Ohhhhhhh.  Slash slash.  Stab stab.”

Story:

Oh, there’s a whopper of a story here, I guess.  EA tries to tell the story the same way Infamous did.  With comic book-esque elements.  Only thing EA does differently is there is no narration, so fuck if I know what’s going on.  Closest thing I get to a story in the demo is that your wife gets real dead and you have to go to Hell to get her back. 

All these things considered, Dante’s Inferno is not a bad game.  The combat is, again, ridiculously satisfying; the graphics are beautiful; and there are so many naked boobies, you’ll be trying to figure out how you can bring your TV into wherever you have “you” time, you sick fucker.   Again, this is just a demo.  If EA fixes the camera, I can see this game being amazing.  But then again, do we really need another God of War clone?  You decide.

Played on Playstation 3.

Sarah Palin Kicks Fucking Ass: Bayonetta Demo Review

Good morning, bros and broettes. it’s finals week so, I’m chain popping study candy instead of picking up sorostitutes at the bar.    I had been wanting to play the Bayonetta demo since it came out but I couldn’t find an excuse to tell my bros about why I was playing a Japanese game as Sarah Palin.  However, now that I’ve been awake for over 24 hours, I’m totally going to use delirium as my excuse.

My first impression is that this game was made for GDI, Japanese, goth girls.  I say this because I’m dressed in black hair/leather; when I double jump, I get butterfly wings; health potions are butterflies and laurels; I’m wtfroflstomping demons(?) with a huge stiletto combo; and you know what?  I’m loving every bit of it.  No homo.  This is by far the most awesome bromoerotic game I’ve played. 

The combat in the Bayonetta demo is exhilarating.  Sarah Palin (not the character’s name) can not only punch and kick, but she can shoot fucking guns!  I know you’re all like: “Look, broham.  If I want to shoot shit I’ll go play Modern Warfare 2.”  Well, can you shoot out of your stilettos in Modern Warfare 2?  No, you fucking can’t, douche rocket, so shut the fuck up.  I find myself actually trying to do the combos rather than button mashing.  The combos are extremely original (see the aforementioned tower-o’-stiletto stomp).  Also, monsters drop their weapons when they die, and you can pick them up to use.  For example, you can get a trumpet that acts like a bazooka, a huge axe to swing around, or a polearm that you stick into the ground and do a crazy, gun-shooting pole dance.  Which brings me to the fact that the longer the combo, the more naked you get.  However, when the combo ends, your hair comes back to clothe you.  It’s fucking weird.  Which brings me to your hair aka boss fatalitizer.  At the end of every fight, your hair comes off your body and chews the b’jesus out of the boss.  It’s. fucking. weird.  But, it’s also fucking awesome. The only gripe I do have about the combat is that the camera can be a little retarded sometimes, but it’s definitely not a game breaker. 

While the boss fights take place in very interesting places (i.e. the ceiling of a church, on a broken bridge which is being swung about by the actual boss), each fight is like convincing a fat girl to have sex on my counter next to my birthday cake.  It’s fucking easy.  Look, if I wanted to go fishing with dynamite or shoot fish in a barrel, I’d play your mom in beer pong.  Fix it, Sega.  I’m not saying make them Ninja Gaiden hard, but give me a reason to have a health bar at the top of my screen.

Before playing this demo, I thought Bayonetta was going to blow worse than our pledges, but now I’m definitely going to at least rent it when it comes out.  So, brohams and sishams, go download the demo.  You won’t be disappointed.

Played on Playstation 3.